Becoming Me
by reguvlus
Summary: After a slightly perturbing dream, Haruhi is left confronting her body and the pressures of identity. She questions her sexuality and, in doing so, finds herself to not be the feminine being that she is being shaped into by her peers. Throughout the duration of this story, she is coming to terms with accepting and loving herself (and someone else) and struggling with dysphoria.
1. Prelude

**(A/N): Hi, you guys! This is going to be the prelude in a long series that is going to delve into Haruhi's sexuality and gender. At the moment, I think it will be a collection of Haruhi's musings and feelings that show her fluidity and how she views and owns her sexuality and gender. I really think, however, that I just want to see Haruhi contemplating and opening up to herself with who she really is. This introduction is a tad explicit, but there's not going to be anything truly rated 'M' in this story for a while. And when(and if) there is, I'll change the rating.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

She was in bed, and all she could do was hear and feel.

Not see.

She could feel eyes burning, kindling her body until it was on fire. There were soft cool sheets beneath her that seemed to warm at each twist of her body and her uncontrollable writhing. She felt good, to say the least. This moment seemed to be too quick, but it also was forever.

"Haruhi..."

The whisper of her name drew her insane as she arched her back and lips suddenly were everywhere. Every inch of her skin was cold, and when a hot touch brushed it, she seared like a flame.

She was dangerous, and she wanted more. She wanted to feel those lips more and the sound of her name being called so provocatively drove her insane. Her head instinctively jerked back, hitting a soft pillow as her fingers reached out to grab at something, anything, to calm and control her emotions.

"Haruhi, baby..."

It was a saccharine whisper and it coated her lips like honey. In fact, her whole mouth was soon covered by the softest pair of lips she had ever felt.

She could see and hear and feel everything in that instant and all she saw was a thrush of shimmering brown hair that brushed her lips and forehead, gently crossing over her body like a soft waterfall of prickly straight hairs. Had the moment not been so powerful, she might have giggled.

Soft fingers touched her porcelain skin and trailed over it, creating invisible circles and skewed lines that changed shape and form. Between her breasts and over her belly button, downwards and gently resting upon her thigh before a squeeze made her arch her back in anticipation.

Lips covered hers with fervour and she kissed back, moaning at the velvety feel a warm tongue circling her mouth before sliding inside. She moaned softly and reached out, but she couldn't cling to anything.

She could only helplessly feel as another body lay close to her own and all of her romantic and erotic thoughts had brought her to this moment. A soft, feminine moan brought her out of her reverie and she looked, her eyes hazy.

Lips were kissing her outer thighs, her legs parted and her back arched as the sensitive flesh there twitched, her urge to giggle and moan fought back as she looked down and saw that same shock of brown hair and dark brown eyes that managed to haunt her dream after only one night.

Her eyelids fluttered shut and she saw multi-coloured dots behind her eyes that signalled the immense and indescribable feeling that she currently felt. It was nothing like she had ever felt before and her lip was being bitten raw from the intensity of the moment.

"Wow..." She breathed out, and all she could see was colours and it was almost as if she could hear and taste them as her chest rose and fell in rhythm with her racing heart. The anonymous suitor that was teasing her raised their head before crawling back up her legs. It was similar to the way large cats stalked their prey, and Haruhi had never in her entire life felt so intimidated.

A soft kiss to her lips wiped away all of her fears and insecurities and her arms laced behind a slender neck, her hands moving down after a moment and slender arms and flared hips indicated to her that this was a feminine creature, not unlike herself. Small surprise set in and Haruhi let out an involuntary gasp.

And then, she woke up.


	2. Chapter 2

( ** _A/N)_** **: Haruhi is such a sweet angel baby. Like honestly. I'm so in love with her and I feel like such a dick for making her go through this but, alas, here we are. This one was written not too long after the dream because when i get inspired, I have to write as much as I can. I want to take this one as far as I can as well, but two full-length stories is going to be a heavy plate to carry. I think I can pull it off, though. Please review/favourite/follow!**

* * *

Haruhi wasn't being herself.

She was some kind of mash-up of anxiety and confusion as she sat in class, biting the nib of her eraser in amazement. She had just finished one of their timed-writing tests and was now sitting quietly for the next forty-five minutes, immersed in her thoughts.

She had a wet dream about a girl.

Granted, it was a girl that she saw on a television show after she finished cleaning the kitchen after dinner. She couldn't remember her name but she was entranced by the way her hips moved when she walked over to the man that she was with.

A scowl crossed Haruhi's face as she couldn't help but try to remember what it was about her that tempted her so. Maybe it was nothing.

It was strange because, even though Haruhi personally didn't see the need to abide by gender roles, she did think that she was attracted to men, for the most part. She never really experienced any real attraction to anyone, so she was a little scared at her own inconsistency when it came to knowing her sexuality.

Was she gay? This question was the one that made her brain flurry for a bit as she looked over at Hikaru and Kaoru, who were quietly passing each other notes. She turned back around in her desk and she dug her incisor into the pencil eraser between her lips.

She was stuck on the feeling of that dream. The sensation and touches and indescribable and overwhelming reaction that she herself had to being in such a situation. It was intimate and emotional and made her crave the tangibility of it. She wanted the real thing, but she knew she wasn't ready.

Haruhi sighed. How stupid of her. She was in the top school in the entire country and she was concerned with a wet dream when she should be finishing her 1st year with a bang. Her grades, as always, were impeccable and she knew she was in no risk of loosing her scholarship, but she supposed that the twins were right.

'All work and no play makes you dull, Haruhi.'

She sucked her teeth quietly, crossing her arms and resting her head on the desk. She did play. With the host club. At that designated time. But she couldn't afford to slack off with her school work like the others around her. She was the only girl in Ouran on this scholarship, and she was pretending to be a boy.

A low groan escaped her mouth as she wanted to bang her head on the table. Haruhi just didn't know exactly who she was right now, and she didn't know what she wanted. She even didn't know what she wanted to know.

She set it aside and looked at the clock tower tiredly, her eyes closing as she decided to use the thirty-three minutes she had left in class for a quick nap. She had club right when the bell rang, and she knew the host club was going to give her hell.

During club time, Haruhi decided to watch the women that had scheduled time with her. She noticed their faces and smiles and thought them to be cute, but there was no overwhelming sense that reaffirmed the 'This is what I like' state of mind that was generally stated to be rooted in Heteronormativity or Homosexuality. It was confusing, but she continued to pour tea and carry conversation like a good host.

* * *

The club day had went by relatively quick and Haruhi was soon walking out of the building, her bag slung over her shoulder.

She walked outside of Ouran's grande courtyard and down the street, deciding she would take the train home and walk back to her apartment complex, holding her bag in her hands.

She was used to the states by now. Everyone wondered why an Ouran Academy student was taking public transportation day to day, but she wasn't really one to entertain it at this point.

When the train let off, she walked to her neighbourhood and as she trudged to her apartment, she saw a girl with long brown hair leaning against the wooden fence that lined the area.

Haruhi was a little curious, but ignored it. The girl, however, looked straight at Haruhi. She watched her go up the stairs and into the house, but Haruhi pretended to not notice her existence and made sure to lock the door.

She took a hot shower and made herself dinner and sat down in front of the small table, legs crossed as she began to study.

Haruhi typically was the level-headed one in an equation of madness that was the Host Club. She thought before she acted. She tried to handle problems herself as to not cause an uproar, and she generally was all-around very calm, or she'd like to think so.

She put these thoughts aside and finished up her homework, looking at the clock on the wall ahead of her. Typically her father would be in by now, but it wasn't uncommon for him to be out late. She left some food on the stove for him with chopsticks, but she seriously doubted that he would even notice it.

Haruhi got up, packed her bag, and then decided to crawl into bed a little early. She stared at the wall before turning onto her back, letting her eyes find the ceiling and her mind went adrift.

She was reminded of long brown hair. She couldn't quite place it's significance to her, but she supposed it was rather attractive. As a matter of fact, short brown hair was also attractive. She liked how hair felt and she suddenly thought about how nice it would be to have some run their fingers through her short hair.

It was starting to get a little choppy now. She could always go to get it trimmed, but that was something that she could do herself. Her last trim _did_ turn into a complete haircut, though. Maybe the twins could do it-

She shook her head and placed her palms over her eyes, dragging them down just past her lips. Her inner dialogue was just becoming pointless and she could do with some rest.

Haruhi turned onto her side and looked out the window inside of her room with a small pout and a light blush on her cheeks. She wanted to know if this dream was a sign that she needed to expand her horizons, or if it was just some passing fancy that she needn't pay any mind.

As the question progressed further on her mind, her eyes grew heavy and soon she was asleep on the futon, her little hands curled in her comforter.


End file.
